The repugnant sound of an alarm at 8am on a Sunday morning means the same thing for scores of dishevelled, hung-over individuals across the country. Bolt down a brew and some toast, head out into the elements and spend 90 minutes lumping a ball around a haggard patch of land. It's unpredictable, it's ugly, it's Sunday league football.
I recently joined this movement in the form of freshly-founded Bohemian Lounge FC (BLFC), representing a namesake bar in Stalybridge and currently competing in Tameside Sports Tours International Division Three.
But why bother spending the coldest months of the year out in the mud on the day of rest? I asked a handful of Bohemian players what made them get involved and here's what they came up with:
• "Wanted to regain some fitness and get back to playing real football. Don't get the big challenges and hoofs up field in five-a-side."
• "A last ditch attempt to establish my name around the playing fields of Tameside."
• "Seeing as though we have a wealth of footballing talent from our group of mates, seemed daft not to start an 11 a side team, great way of keeping social with everyone and keeping fit(ish)."
• "The thought of team p*** ups made the decision easier."
• "It's football init? [sic] Because I'll never play professional football."
There's a lot more to love about the amateur, unconventional version of the world's most popular sport.
I recently joined this movement in the form of freshly-founded Bohemian Lounge FC (BLFC), representing a namesake bar in Stalybridge and currently competing in Tameside Sports Tours International Division Three.
But why bother spending the coldest months of the year out in the mud on the day of rest? I asked a handful of Bohemian players what made them get involved and here's what they came up with:
• "Wanted to regain some fitness and get back to playing real football. Don't get the big challenges and hoofs up field in five-a-side."
• "A last ditch attempt to establish my name around the playing fields of Tameside."
• "Seeing as though we have a wealth of footballing talent from our group of mates, seemed daft not to start an 11 a side team, great way of keeping social with everyone and keeping fit(ish)."
• "The thought of team p*** ups made the decision easier."
• "It's football init? [sic] Because I'll never play professional football."
There's a lot more to love about the amateur, unconventional version of the world's most popular sport.
Finding a sponsor
Unless you're die-hard enough to stick with an established club from youth ranks, you're probably going to need a sponsor. Most likely a local bar or pub, the sponsor can help to subsidise costs and provide you with venue to get steaming in after the game in your muddy kit. In return, you advertise their name to the five-strong crowd on match days and bring more custom to the premises.
Choose a good sponsor and you could have free lunch for the best part of a year - plus frequent Monday hangovers. Choose a bad sponsor however, like we did at our first attempt (mentioning no names); and you will end up with an unresponsive chairman, unpaid promises and a mad dash to find a new one.
You can fund the whole thing yourselves of course, but without taking on the title of an establishment you also run the risk of choosing a terrible name for yourselves - like 'Tekkerslovakia' or 'Boizelona'.
Unless you're die-hard enough to stick with an established club from youth ranks, you're probably going to need a sponsor. Most likely a local bar or pub, the sponsor can help to subsidise costs and provide you with venue to get steaming in after the game in your muddy kit. In return, you advertise their name to the five-strong crowd on match days and bring more custom to the premises.
Choose a good sponsor and you could have free lunch for the best part of a year - plus frequent Monday hangovers. Choose a bad sponsor however, like we did at our first attempt (mentioning no names); and you will end up with an unresponsive chairman, unpaid promises and a mad dash to find a new one.
You can fund the whole thing yourselves of course, but without taking on the title of an establishment you also run the risk of choosing a terrible name for yourselves - like 'Tekkerslovakia' or 'Boizelona'.
Management
Managing a team is something with the potential to be a dream, but which can quickly turn into a nightmare.
Initially, comes the thoughts of grandeur - the authority and position above the squad, picking the team, giving motivational speeches and fulfilling 'Football Manager' in the flesh. The reality though can be agonisingly repetitive issues of unreliable and hung-over players, subs 'left in the car' and disputes over starting places on the team sheet.
I can only speculate, so I asked Jordan Frost, manager of BLFC. Jordan formed the team around a core group of friends - many of whom he's had regular kick-abouts with for the best part of ten years; mixed of course with some ringers.
Jordan alluded to there not being as many Sunday morning casualties as expected, but feels that constant verbal belligerence and having to repeat himself to players asking 'silly questions' dramatically brought down the management experience.
Jordan said: "I didn't expect the moaning to be this bad - almost feel it's personal sometimes; when all I really want is for everyone to get a game and enjoy themselves."
What Jordan did say he enjoyed most was the chance to develop players and then watch the team develop as a result.
He said: "Team bonding has gone fantastically - it's like every player wants to play the same football and everyone gets on well." Which links onto the next point perfectly.
Managing a team is something with the potential to be a dream, but which can quickly turn into a nightmare.
Initially, comes the thoughts of grandeur - the authority and position above the squad, picking the team, giving motivational speeches and fulfilling 'Football Manager' in the flesh. The reality though can be agonisingly repetitive issues of unreliable and hung-over players, subs 'left in the car' and disputes over starting places on the team sheet.
I can only speculate, so I asked Jordan Frost, manager of BLFC. Jordan formed the team around a core group of friends - many of whom he's had regular kick-abouts with for the best part of ten years; mixed of course with some ringers.
Jordan alluded to there not being as many Sunday morning casualties as expected, but feels that constant verbal belligerence and having to repeat himself to players asking 'silly questions' dramatically brought down the management experience.
Jordan said: "I didn't expect the moaning to be this bad - almost feel it's personal sometimes; when all I really want is for everyone to get a game and enjoy themselves."
What Jordan did say he enjoyed most was the chance to develop players and then watch the team develop as a result.
He said: "Team bonding has gone fantastically - it's like every player wants to play the same football and everyone gets on well." Which links onto the next point perfectly.
Camaraderie
As you pass through your twenties it gets increasingly difficult to regularly round up a large group of mates. But that's where a sports team comes into its own, forcing everyone to commit to turning up en mass at the same time every week; thus making it easier to migrate to a public house or do something afterwards.
There's also the solidarity you can build; but it would be lost without the art of ripping into one another for several weeks about a missed two-yard sitter, a screaming volley into your own net, or some shenanigans from an evening out. BLFC even has a dedicated Facebook page for taking the Mickey out of each other (and informing 'fans' of the results of course).
As you pass through your twenties it gets increasingly difficult to regularly round up a large group of mates. But that's where a sports team comes into its own, forcing everyone to commit to turning up en mass at the same time every week; thus making it easier to migrate to a public house or do something afterwards.
There's also the solidarity you can build; but it would be lost without the art of ripping into one another for several weeks about a missed two-yard sitter, a screaming volley into your own net, or some shenanigans from an evening out. BLFC even has a dedicated Facebook page for taking the Mickey out of each other (and informing 'fans' of the results of course).
Scorelines
Where else could full time results such as 7-5 or 14-2 be not only acceptable but commonplace? Sure, having a team turn up still on the lash or with 8 players contribute heavily to that, but it's never dull. A team currently playing in our league has a goal difference of -124 after 18 games. They're not even bottom.
Where else could full time results such as 7-5 or 14-2 be not only acceptable but commonplace? Sure, having a team turn up still on the lash or with 8 players contribute heavily to that, but it's never dull. A team currently playing in our league has a goal difference of -124 after 18 games. They're not even bottom.
Questionable characters
There's nothing more entertaining than a good anecdote about the time you were threatened by a maniac for simply being better at football than they are. Often there are whole teams comprised of these types of people; easy to taunt, easy to anger and easy to beat once their mood takes over and stops their team's momentum.
Sure, you'll probably fall foul of the odd horror tackle, or possibly a post-game visit from a guy in a ski mask (if a fullback we once played is to be believed), but at least you'll have the anecdote.
Refereeing decisions
Huge credit to the referees, voluntarily putting on a black strip and heading into an arena of abuse. Not an easy task and one we should respect - yet it's accepted that the football can be far from world class, but god forbid if the referring is.
It's easier to have them as public enemy number one though. That way you can take some comfort that defeat is solely the fault of a man earning £30 to ride the cusp of mental and physical assault. Easier than admitting you've had a stinker that's for sure.
There should be relative leniency in the quality of referees, but sometimes they do get it horribly wrong. Possibly due to lack of fitness, lack of honest linesman and a fourth official, or due to being intimidated by questionable characters. Now you don't want one of them waiting for you in the car park, not without having a team behind you.
One overzealous referee we encountered was insistent on reading War and Peace after every infringement, along with implementing a strict prohibition on wedding rings and tape of a different colour to the socks. But without decisions like that you'd have less to chuckle about in the pub after the game.
Sweet victory
Obviously not every team can taste regular victory and some teams may go a whole season without ever doing - believe me I've played for a team like that in the past. But our current Bohemian team boasts a pretty solid record of 15 wins, 2 draws and 1 loss in the league (at the time this was written). It's an awesome feeling.
I can tell you, nothing makes Mondays more bearable than having defeated a team of questionable characters, by a ridiculous score line, in spite of silly refereeing decisions. The buzz can sometimes last the whole week.
That covers just a handful of reasons why it's totally worth forfeiting a lie-in every week, and trust me there are many more. While it may be miles from the sport that millions around the world pay big money to watch; it's unpredictable, it's beautiful, it's Sunday league football.
There's nothing more entertaining than a good anecdote about the time you were threatened by a maniac for simply being better at football than they are. Often there are whole teams comprised of these types of people; easy to taunt, easy to anger and easy to beat once their mood takes over and stops their team's momentum.
Sure, you'll probably fall foul of the odd horror tackle, or possibly a post-game visit from a guy in a ski mask (if a fullback we once played is to be believed), but at least you'll have the anecdote.
Refereeing decisions
Huge credit to the referees, voluntarily putting on a black strip and heading into an arena of abuse. Not an easy task and one we should respect - yet it's accepted that the football can be far from world class, but god forbid if the referring is.
It's easier to have them as public enemy number one though. That way you can take some comfort that defeat is solely the fault of a man earning £30 to ride the cusp of mental and physical assault. Easier than admitting you've had a stinker that's for sure.
There should be relative leniency in the quality of referees, but sometimes they do get it horribly wrong. Possibly due to lack of fitness, lack of honest linesman and a fourth official, or due to being intimidated by questionable characters. Now you don't want one of them waiting for you in the car park, not without having a team behind you.
One overzealous referee we encountered was insistent on reading War and Peace after every infringement, along with implementing a strict prohibition on wedding rings and tape of a different colour to the socks. But without decisions like that you'd have less to chuckle about in the pub after the game.
Sweet victory
Obviously not every team can taste regular victory and some teams may go a whole season without ever doing - believe me I've played for a team like that in the past. But our current Bohemian team boasts a pretty solid record of 15 wins, 2 draws and 1 loss in the league (at the time this was written). It's an awesome feeling.
I can tell you, nothing makes Mondays more bearable than having defeated a team of questionable characters, by a ridiculous score line, in spite of silly refereeing decisions. The buzz can sometimes last the whole week.
That covers just a handful of reasons why it's totally worth forfeiting a lie-in every week, and trust me there are many more. While it may be miles from the sport that millions around the world pay big money to watch; it's unpredictable, it's beautiful, it's Sunday league football.