A few years ago I tried my luck at getting on daytime quiz show The Chase, but sadly I never heard back. Next time round, my plan would be to make myself sound a bit more unhinged on the application. So that's what I did.
I led them to believe I was a competitive lunatic, gave a list of the wackiest, most random pet hates I could think up and referenced my past application and how I wasn't as clever back then. You can click here to read it if you want.
A few months of waiting ensued. Then during a period of chronic sales calls, including regular ones about my fictitious 'washing machine insurance', a random London caller ID showed up on my phone.
I actually announced 'this had better be The Chase or I'm gonna kick off' to my work colleagues as the phone vibrated on the table. Low and behold, it was! Gobsmacked, I proceeded to answer a serious of questions similar to those on my application: 'Why did you apply?' 'How would you spend the money?' 'Which Chaser would you most like to face?'
With my unhinged hypothesis in mind, I answered as best I could - while mindful of not sounding a complete loon in front of the office. Then came the general knowledge round - and boy was it hard.
As I stumbled through a few stinkers, I surprised myself with a couple of curveball correct answers. A Google search afterwards confirmed I got four out of ten. Fortunately this was enough and they offered me an audition in a couple of weeks time.
As the audition approached, I frantically tried to cram my brain with as much literary and arts knowledge as possible - my main weaknesses. Not that it would really matter in the end, nor would it work, as I flopped a Twelfth Night question in the audition that I revised on the train down there.
On audition day I arrived at the Park Inn Radisson where I was directed to a room full of chairs, one of which was occupied by a student in her early twenties. The production assistant rhymed off a role call as more hopefuls filtered in, exchanging small talk as we waited, until the seventh and final contestant entered - a woman in her late fifties. We'll call her the Garish Woman.
As her name suggests, I didn't really warm to her but I can see why she would be a producer's dream and perfect for a brief TV cameo. The proverbial nail in the coffin of my opinion was when she interrupted mild chatter with: "By god it's like a morgue in here!" From then she barely paused for breath.
The assistant and outgoing aspirants told us of what to expect as we moved into a second room with a camera and panel of three judges. We sat in a solitary row, as the judges explained our first challenge - 'the pyramid game.' The concept was similar to Articulate, with everyone getting a brief go to lead the game. It was all going very well and I'd even briefly wrestled vocal control away from the Garish Woman, until the judges announced it was 'just for fun' and 'didn't count'.
I led them to believe I was a competitive lunatic, gave a list of the wackiest, most random pet hates I could think up and referenced my past application and how I wasn't as clever back then. You can click here to read it if you want.
A few months of waiting ensued. Then during a period of chronic sales calls, including regular ones about my fictitious 'washing machine insurance', a random London caller ID showed up on my phone.
I actually announced 'this had better be The Chase or I'm gonna kick off' to my work colleagues as the phone vibrated on the table. Low and behold, it was! Gobsmacked, I proceeded to answer a serious of questions similar to those on my application: 'Why did you apply?' 'How would you spend the money?' 'Which Chaser would you most like to face?'
With my unhinged hypothesis in mind, I answered as best I could - while mindful of not sounding a complete loon in front of the office. Then came the general knowledge round - and boy was it hard.
As I stumbled through a few stinkers, I surprised myself with a couple of curveball correct answers. A Google search afterwards confirmed I got four out of ten. Fortunately this was enough and they offered me an audition in a couple of weeks time.
As the audition approached, I frantically tried to cram my brain with as much literary and arts knowledge as possible - my main weaknesses. Not that it would really matter in the end, nor would it work, as I flopped a Twelfth Night question in the audition that I revised on the train down there.
On audition day I arrived at the Park Inn Radisson where I was directed to a room full of chairs, one of which was occupied by a student in her early twenties. The production assistant rhymed off a role call as more hopefuls filtered in, exchanging small talk as we waited, until the seventh and final contestant entered - a woman in her late fifties. We'll call her the Garish Woman.
As her name suggests, I didn't really warm to her but I can see why she would be a producer's dream and perfect for a brief TV cameo. The proverbial nail in the coffin of my opinion was when she interrupted mild chatter with: "By god it's like a morgue in here!" From then she barely paused for breath.
The assistant and outgoing aspirants told us of what to expect as we moved into a second room with a camera and panel of three judges. We sat in a solitary row, as the judges explained our first challenge - 'the pyramid game.' The concept was similar to Articulate, with everyone getting a brief go to lead the game. It was all going very well and I'd even briefly wrestled vocal control away from the Garish Woman, until the judges announced it was 'just for fun' and 'didn't count'.
A written general knowledge round was up next, which went reasonably well (although we actually never found out our scores). Then we were each given two minutes to talk about ourselves; including our age, job, hobbies, how we would spend the money and which Chaser we wanted to face.
A lad in his late twenties kicked us off and immediately delivered a haymaker: "I'm the fourth best stone skimmer in the UK." The judges squeaked with excitement and pressed him for more details. To be fair he did seem like a nice guy, but he had the audacity to say: "I got to the championships and, as you would imagine, it was full of weirdos."
Moving along the line, the student delivered a modest biography and then a housewife gave an interesting tale about wanting to build a bath in her garden.
Garish Woman was up next ahead of me. I tried to contemplate what nonsense from my life might sway favour towards me as she whittled some guff about taking her knickers off in bars. She rounded off with a boast that she recently won a case on Judge Rinder. Of course she had.
In my turn I uttered some anecdotes about my indecisive past career choices, the TV show idea I'm currently working on and the wacky football team I played for. Nothing quite of the stone skimming variety but there were a couple more rounds to go yet.
The two final contestants were Cricket Keith, an older chap who I quite warmed to throughout the process, and Private Eye, who's narrative about misassumptions that his old job included killing people intrigued me a lot more than the judges.
The following round featured five multiple choice questions, with coloured answer cards and a chance to elaborate on our selection. I wobbled hopelessly trying to over think the simple ones and finished with three correct answers, with Housewife the clear winner on four. A decent second written general knowledge quiz did give me some hope of redemption.
Finally it was time for the (mock) final chase. Stone Skimmer, Student, Housewife and Garish Woman were called to stand in front of the camera for a two minute blitz of questions. I sat there twitching to answer as these four contestants fumbled their way through the round, finishing up with seven - or 11 if it had been the real show (plus one point for each contestant).
Then me, Cricket Keith and Private Eye were up. The first question threw us all off: "What element has the periodic symbol Np?" (Neptunium). But then we recovered well and I was pretty chuffed with my performance, particularly after answering a Little Mix question. We ended up with 13 correct answers, which would have been 16 on a live show - I've seen that win it before.
We were sent back into the previous room to await our fate, where some cakes in the lobby and the next set of contestants provided some welcome relief. Nervous minutes passed until the judges returned: "If I call your name, congratulations you've been successful - please stay behind." The nameless would be unsuccessful and must immediately leave into the torrential rain outside.
Heartbreak followed as three names rang out: "Housewife, Stone Skimmer... Garish Woman." The failed four of us left with disappointment, while exchanging messages of congratulation for the successful (although secretly not for the latter of the three).
Student rounded off our goodbyes perfectly with: "I guess we just weren't interesting or odd enough." Clearly my plan to sound wacky hadn't shone through in the audition, but we were encouraged to apply again. Next time round I'll have to be even more unhinged - and perhaps take up bog snorkelling.
A lad in his late twenties kicked us off and immediately delivered a haymaker: "I'm the fourth best stone skimmer in the UK." The judges squeaked with excitement and pressed him for more details. To be fair he did seem like a nice guy, but he had the audacity to say: "I got to the championships and, as you would imagine, it was full of weirdos."
Moving along the line, the student delivered a modest biography and then a housewife gave an interesting tale about wanting to build a bath in her garden.
Garish Woman was up next ahead of me. I tried to contemplate what nonsense from my life might sway favour towards me as she whittled some guff about taking her knickers off in bars. She rounded off with a boast that she recently won a case on Judge Rinder. Of course she had.
In my turn I uttered some anecdotes about my indecisive past career choices, the TV show idea I'm currently working on and the wacky football team I played for. Nothing quite of the stone skimming variety but there were a couple more rounds to go yet.
The two final contestants were Cricket Keith, an older chap who I quite warmed to throughout the process, and Private Eye, who's narrative about misassumptions that his old job included killing people intrigued me a lot more than the judges.
The following round featured five multiple choice questions, with coloured answer cards and a chance to elaborate on our selection. I wobbled hopelessly trying to over think the simple ones and finished with three correct answers, with Housewife the clear winner on four. A decent second written general knowledge quiz did give me some hope of redemption.
Finally it was time for the (mock) final chase. Stone Skimmer, Student, Housewife and Garish Woman were called to stand in front of the camera for a two minute blitz of questions. I sat there twitching to answer as these four contestants fumbled their way through the round, finishing up with seven - or 11 if it had been the real show (plus one point for each contestant).
Then me, Cricket Keith and Private Eye were up. The first question threw us all off: "What element has the periodic symbol Np?" (Neptunium). But then we recovered well and I was pretty chuffed with my performance, particularly after answering a Little Mix question. We ended up with 13 correct answers, which would have been 16 on a live show - I've seen that win it before.
We were sent back into the previous room to await our fate, where some cakes in the lobby and the next set of contestants provided some welcome relief. Nervous minutes passed until the judges returned: "If I call your name, congratulations you've been successful - please stay behind." The nameless would be unsuccessful and must immediately leave into the torrential rain outside.
Heartbreak followed as three names rang out: "Housewife, Stone Skimmer... Garish Woman." The failed four of us left with disappointment, while exchanging messages of congratulation for the successful (although secretly not for the latter of the three).
Student rounded off our goodbyes perfectly with: "I guess we just weren't interesting or odd enough." Clearly my plan to sound wacky hadn't shone through in the audition, but we were encouraged to apply again. Next time round I'll have to be even more unhinged - and perhaps take up bog snorkelling.